verity

In any given point of conversation there can be someone who is more invested in that conversation, or that the conversation is more important to them in some way. Perhaps it is just a topic that interests them, or maybe it is a defining moment for them whether they know it or not.

The thing is during a conversation you don’t necessarily know who values that conversation more, and their valuation may change after the conversation concludes.

The reason this is important is because as time goes on, someone may forget those less important-to-them conversations. Or maybe they will remember that a conversation occurred but misremember the events. This isn’t just limited to conversations, so much as any kind of event or interaction.

Now suppose years pass and two people have a discussion about this prior conversation. This is the moment where there can be a disagreement about the truth of what occurred or what was discussed.

There can only be one truth, but you can have situations where both people believe they possess it.

Given my accident and years of recovery, my brain was not as sharp as it once was, but I’m beginning to think that my brain has recovered, or at least recovered well enough. I find that my memory is more intact to recall certain things than my peers. And it makes sense when I think about it, during my recovery I actively exercised my brain and even went back to school. I’ve spent years developing my brain, and continue to do so.

I sit here now looking back at my memories, some of which are foundational to me as a person or how I interact in this world. These memories, I know, that I retain an accurate account of events. Not all of these memories were pleasant, some were painful, humiliating, and even agonizing. But when experiencing such strong emotions on one end of the spectrum or another this, I feel, burns that memory in. They became part of me.

So often people think that my memory isn’t intact. I do have blind spots, but even my accident couldn’t wipe away these memories. Some, I wish it had. For better or worse I bear these memories.

And what happens when someone challenges me on these memories? They don’t know how important the conversation was to me, nor I to them. But I know how important it was to me.

I’ve been challenged on memories that I know with 100% certainty that they are as I recall them. Yet, the other person believes they possess the truth and even make a joke that I once misremembered it. I don’t think it is gaslighting, but it is frustrating to not be heard, not be seen.

My accident will, in some people’s eyes, make me out to be an unreliable narrator. How could I possibly remember some things when I lost so many other memories? As I said, my agony, my shame, my humiliation branded these memories in place.

I vividly remember a moment I was emasculated. Where it was insinuated I was not a man. And yet, this moment probably doesn’t exist in anyone’s recollection except my own. But it exists to me.

I vividly remember a conversation, or was it a test, where I was misunderstood. I know what I was trying to say but it was misinterpreted. I was made to feel like shit. And in that experience the memory was etched into my veins. And years later I reference the conversation and am met with a laugh- that it never happened. And yet more years later it is referenced as a thing I thought once occurred. But it did. It did occur.

I silently wear these memories, because it is the path of least resistance, but at the same time it never challenges the misconception that I cannot recall things more accurately than others in some cases.

To me, it just makes sense that these things can be held more closely to one person or not. They don’t have to define me, but they are still a part of me.

What would I be without my memories? Just an empty shell.

Written: 2025-10-01, Published as-is: 2025-11-16