ghost

I’ve spent so much time just trying to survive, to restore my livelihood, that I’m not sure I ever really thought about the alternative– What would’ve happened had things been different.

Listening to one of my favorite bands describing losing their friend choked me up because, unlike me, their friend didn’t survive. Standing in my backyard, staring into darkness with flicks of neon lights, I was forced into their perspective.

I relived my accident not through my experience, but those around me. And it broke me down being confronted with the pain they would’ve felt. I lost myself– I experienced my death, again. I listened to the small reminders of someone’s existence, their shock waves–my shock waves, continue on. How can they get past that?

I hear myself in the song, encouraging them to move on– or to dull themselves to the ripples of my existence.

But I’m the one still standing here, breathing, listening to my own ghost. I’m pulled back to the present and take a deep breath. I look around me, still surrounded in neon lights flickering on as I turn to go inside.