a0001

I learned a new skill and completed a project with it today. It wasn’t anything major, but I wanted to be proud about it.

The project couldn’t be tested for several hours. I found myself worrying that maybe I didn’t do it right– that maybe when I tested it, it would fail. I also told myself that I am just over-complicating things and that I had done all the appropriate steps.

Staring at my simple project, I found myself longing to make someone else proud.

While I waited all day to test, I reflected about my dad, and how I don’t think I ever made him proud. I also found myself wishing that he had taught me these skills.

I rationalized that my dad was just a victim of his upbringing–he grew up with many siblings and in a trailer home. He must not have ever learned how to do things around the house from his dad. And then when I was growing up, he never realized those things he had learned on his own were things he should’ve taught me.

Of course this rationalization is ignoring that he could’ve made his own choices, and had his own values that he could’ve imparted with me. Instead the greatest gift he gave me was the gift of the cult. No thanks.

The only things I ever learned from my father were what not to do; what not to be. This is something I learned young and it only proved to be more true as time passed.

If there ever was a skill he could’ve taught me, it was the skill to do this project. It was a skill he had learned but did not pass on.

At the end of the day I tested my project. By now my nerves were gone, and my simple project did pass the test.

I was proud of myself, but a part of me couldn’t escape that longing for approval.

Instead I’m just one step closer to being a domesticated adult doing adult shit. I hate it. I just want to be.