breathe

If there is such a thing as a hypochondriac, is there an opposite? That is, if someone is able to manifest symptoms, could someone do the reverse?

I want to be like that, instead of having to worry about whether or not I’m a hypochondriac. I try not to be one, but after my accident I saw the horrible state of our health system. I lived, only to become a ghost in a system that didn’t care about me, that took months to get an appointment, and then after waiting those months be told I should be better by now. It took me years to overcome my accident, and should have been less if not for the long wait times and the massive costs of health care and therapy.

And now I worry that I’m just one moment away from going through the same hell again. I lived, only to develop anxiety over my health.

I am happy and healthy and mentally well

That is my mantra I repeat in my head when I am struggling, to convince myself that I am those things. To bring myself down when I have worked myself up.

It sometimes helps. It helps ground me.

But I wish instead I could just not struggle at all, that I could will myself to be better. I can to the extent that I can will myself out of worry, but I’d like to will myself to healthfulness.

I just want to exist.

I cancelled my plans that weekend, and once being faced with the reality that I had worked myself up to the point I couldn’t do things I wanted to do, I was able to snap myself out of it. I guess in a way I did will myself to be better. I just needed a push first.

Last modified: 2025-03-02