monument

How long should a moment define my life?

Or the years of its aftermath?

Is it just a convenient excuse?

Or part of the revisionist history of my self perception striving to be perfect?

I don’t want to be perfect, but i struggle to reconcile lacking in areas i don’t think i did previously.

I used to think i was perfect though–I had to be. I was pre-ordained for greatness, or so i was told. My biggest failure was not running fast enough.

I wish i could recall, with certainty, how i was in my past life. I feel like i was dominate, or is this just a convenient lie i told myself long enough that i grew to believe it?

Ive now been told in a less subtle way that i could learn to be more dominate.

My hopes

• […]

• You being dominate

It shatters me. Not because of the underlying belief that i am not, but because it challenges my self-view. It makes me mourn what i feel i lost all those years ago. My confidence. My dominance. That feeling that i knew what i was doing. Knowing what i wanted (or, thinking i knew what i wanted)

But it’s not wrong. And it was sent with a long, thoughtful idea to improve this. This is the kind of feedback i strive to give and love to receive– even if it is hard for my ego to hear.

So what am i going to do about it? Let my pride stand in the way?

No, Ive overengineered a platform for us to use, for me to assert my ideas, and for her to accept them–Accept me. I feel a bit of cringe thinking about the hours spent building this and it could just be laughed at by her. Meaning that maybe it will be a waste of my time. Or, just maybe, it will help reinvigorate my dominant side. I think the risk is worth it.

Ive been frustrated with myself in the past for not asserting myself more, or as much as i did in my past life. This is my time to change.

I hope she will accept me.

I hope I will accept me, too.